Fragments of my Innerself

LIVING

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 22:10:23 GMT

Eyes: They are what we see by
Ears: They are what we hear by
Nose: It is what we smell by
Mouth: It is what we taste by
Skin: It is what we feel by

What is a life without sight? The beauty of one's surroundings to be wasted through the day and night. Never to observe shapes and colors- never to see the ones you love. And with hearing- to be able to take in all that is said- all that is in motion. To hear the gentle breeze surrounding. To witness small children laughing. The pleasures of the world would be gone. Or scent? Does one not turn his head at the pleasing scent of another passing by? To glitter in delight as the smell of freshly baked pie surrounds one's entry way to scentual heaven. And in a rush, scent can share that great sensation with its close companion. Without smell, what is taste? Without taste, what is smell? These two, so strongly linked, would forever be lost without the other. A great showcase of love, these two are. Linked to eternity. What, though, of a being so damned as to not feel? To not FEEL the caress of that gentle breeze upon one's skin? Is it enough to merely see it? Is it enough to hear it, or taste it....to smell it? To feel is to be alive. Feeling can sometimes be a burden. Many unpleasurable things lurk throughout this world. But what is life without pain? How can there ever be a good life which has never experienced the bad? The good points in life are defined by the bad ones. How would one ever know what was good if the bad weren't there to point it out? Knowing this, life should be fully embraced. Not bits and pieces of it- but ALL of life. Though one can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel the unpleasant- the promise of ecstatic moments make living all the more worth while.

YIPPIE!!

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:34:33 GMT

Scotty got here Friday..........It's been allot of fun. Today we are going skiing....well, actually- I'm the only one skiing- the rest of 'em, Alex, Scott, and Liz, are all snowboarding...hmmmmmmm. Anyway- I am SOOOOO happy that it is FINALLY Christmas break! Although, I have to right an Economics research paper on the Federal Reserve due when I go back to school....and I have to write a song in French and teach it to the class....but that will be fun:) Scott and I are hoping to film a 'music video' of sorts before he leaves. We don't have much time, however.

Drew and Phil arrive in six days!!!!!! YAY!

Well, until next time! Adieu!

UUGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 05:35:40 GMT

UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ugh!
ugh!ugh!ugh!ugh!ugh!

WWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????!!!!!!!!!!!

yick!yick!yick!yick!yick!yick!

FUN STUFF

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 23:47:41 GMT

This has been an enjoyable weekend.
(Although Christina and I weren't able to get together- boohoo)

There was the open house thing in my neighborhood this weekend. My house was one of the houses on the tour- so we had to have everything all spotless and shiny......which meant I had to clean my room. But that turned out to be a good thing, I guess, since it desperately needed cleaning.......Just about all my clothes were on the floor........Anyway- Scott and Caryn Davis came up on Friday. It was fun. They're so nice. My mom, Scott, Caryn, and I went around friday night and toured some of the houses. Afterward, we and Karan Seyda all went to this Italian restaurant named Pinocchio's and had dinner. It was yummie. I had a limeade- SO, SO GOOD!! The whole evening was quite scrumptious. Later on that night, mon père arrived back home from a short business trip to Florida.

Saturday, I had to wake up around eleven because we weren't supposed to be in the houses during the tours.....it was fine though. My mom made me french toast- it was quite superb, really. She's such a yummie cook. A little later, I went to Niwot and picked up Dustin. We went around with my mom and the others to look at the other houses and hit up those free massages they were doing.....too bad we took too long seeing everything else to get them though.....meh. Once we'd pretty much seen everything, Dustin, my mom, Karan, and I went to the BBQ place in Prospect. I love that place. It's horrible, though, having a place with such amazing, delicious, huge, fattening, italian cream cake just waiting for you to devour. Oh well- I eat it and it is good. Ha.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_________________________________________________________________________________
A little while later, Krista came over. She had brought about six boxes of change that she had accumulated over the last few years.....it was insane!!!!!!! We drove to the King Sooper to convert the change into bills. It was crazy!!!!! We started pouring the contents of one of the containers into the litle slot thingy......and as it got to about $247- it broke!!!!!!!!!!! And that wasn't even one fourth of the coins we needed to convert! The manager dude came over and told us he didn't have a key and that we couldn't get the money back.....he was being a real pouf at first, but after a while he gave us this paper with his signature on it saying to come back the next day and they would get it all worked out.
After that, we went to Pearl St. and hung out. Krista and I both got our caramel macchiotos from Starbucks.......and Dustin got something from Penny Lane. Anyhow- it was fun just hanging out there......
Later we decided to go to Albertson's to finish with the rest of the coins. It took a little while, and my hands were about black by the time we had finished....but it all basically added up to $1,000!!!!!!! Way to go, KRISTA! HAHA! After that, we went to iHop- it was on Krista.....with her being rich and all- ha. On our way over to iHop, we decided that Krista and I would speak with English accents and pretend Dustin was our cousin........hahahha- it was SOOOOOO funny! The waitress was like 'Oh! I love your accents, where are you from?" hehe. One of the other guy waiters working there apparently had some sort of a thing for Krista, and he kept smiling at her.....it was funny. As we left, we decided it would be funny if Krista went back in and asked for the guy's number just for kicks ans giggles......hahahha- she did! He was really excited- haha- oh well, too bad for him she's not really planning on calling...not to mention not really from the UK. (Plus she has a man named Kurtis she's with hardcore- lol)

After all that- we ended up staying up all night watching: Moulin Rouge (which I had never seen), Requiem for a Dream (which I brought), and then The Lion King (hahahaha- such nerds! We sang to the whole thing). We ended up going to bed after five this morning.....:)

Soooooooooooooooo- that was the abridged version (yeah- seriously) of my weekend.

ANXIETY ATTACKS

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 05:18:55 GMT

Weird- they've come back. Stopped after we moved.......but now they're back. It's been a couple of days now- maybe a few....can't remember. It's so annoying. Imagine every time you want to take a breath- you are never fully satisfied....you get air but not enough- or at least that's how it feels-and it's all day long. Anyway- I don't know why it's come back. That's the weird thing about these- there has to be a reason for them....but I don't know what......It really sucks.

On a happier note- it looks like the North Pole up here. We've got over a foot of snow- been going non-stop for the past couple of days- SWEET! I love the snow! I love the stars! I love Colorado!

SNOWFLAKES ARE FALLING ON MY HEAD

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 13:47:48 GMT

Kinda been going against my own rules of writing only feelings and things.....have been writing allot about things of the day and more of that nature. I guess I just don't have feelings anymore- no emotions....however that could never be the case with me- unlike some people I've met on recent occasion.

Drew and Phil are coming up over Christmas break. I'm excited- it should be fun. I think I'm going to go with them to visit Drew's birth mom....it'll be really weird...but cool at the same time. It's so crazy to think she lives but thirty minutes from me. Looking forward to introducing them to Christina. Wish Bay could come too, though- oh well. I'm going to Orlando in January- so I will get to spend time with her then.

Some kids made a humungous (at least it seemed so to little old me) snow man in the middle of the park near my house in my neighborhood. It's cute. It's got a top hat and stuff of that nature. I had a snow ball fight saturday night with Nick and Preston after Aimee's birthday dinner at my house. It was so funny- all the adults were slightly drunk; playing with the animals and saying how much "Fudgie loves me!" and were seeing how many of them could lift their legs up to the steel beams in my house- looking like sloths hanging in the air. Quite humorous.

My pumpkin-pecan pie has turned out quite well, my chocolate cream, however, did not firm all the way- so I had to stick it in the freezer this morning......hope it will turn out OK- makes me a bit on the bloody peeved side, actually.

Well, I must be off- as it is 6:47 am and must get to school.

Cherio

GOOD DAY

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 05:23:42 GMT

It was a good day today.

I got up a little before 12:00 and my sister and I headed over to Katelyn's house.
Katelyn, Liz, Jessica, Alex and I ate Kettle Corn and then wathced the beginning clip from Reservoir Dogs. (AMAZING AMAZING!)
Katelyn had us all over becuase she had to do a project for her creative writing class by making a film......so we re-did that sequence from Reservoir Dogs.... I was Eddie, Alex was Mr. Pink ('cause she's got allot of built up attitude- haha), Jessica was Mr. White/Orange, Liz was ....darn.....forgot his name...lol- and Katelyn filmed. It was so fun! hahahahahhaha.

Then I took Butt Boo to Pearl St. to go shopping. (how nice of me- ....you see, however- I was just dropping her off to go with a friend)I forced her to listen to my Ella TAPE (tape..haha- I know- I'm so ghetto).....I figured since I was taking her 20 minutes away to Boulder- she could afford to listen to Ella Fitzgerald. (She quite disagreed- oh well....lol)

I then came home, talked to Bay on the phone about vile "Richards"; her coming to visit; how it's snowed so much. I miss her! I miss BAYLY! After our little chat- I began baking my pies for economics! YAY! First the pumpkin-pecan and then the chocolate mousse. After having put the chocolate mousse in the fridge to "chill", I sat at the computer and talked to Christina and, as I am now currently, am talking to Ben:)...............................

OK- so it is now 10:20..............I got caught up with a few things and just got home from picking up my sister from Boulder. >winky winky, Alex< Am not sure what is wrong with my chocolate mousse pie- damn thing.

Scott is supposed to call me tonight. We are having a phone conference- we're going to continue working on our screenplay we had began before I left. :):) Should be fun, though, it's getting late. Anyway- got to go- just got a phone call.

KINDA NERVOUS

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 23:31:17 GMT

KINDA NERVOUS
Don't panic- just your WHOLE FUTURE AT STAKE!!!!

DAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 03:09:53 GMT

SLOW PEOPLE SUCK!

Driving home from Estes tonight- not fun....no- not fun.

I thought my eyeballs were going to pop OUT of my head- the suction of the sockets would evaporate and I would be blind.
No longer would I need my glasses- I would be free from the need.

The forty-five minute drive through the mountains turned into a bloody hour!
Maybe you think I am being overly aggrivated- but COME ON!
Going a maddening pace of 35-40 THE WHOLE TIME is NOT enjoyable!

MINI-VANS SUCK THE FUNGI OFF MY SISTER'S TENTICLES

Especially GOLD ones! AHHHHH!

It's horrible when you're stuck behind nasty ass women in their gold mini-vans, driving at unbearable speeds (or lack there of) with them turning around to look at this crazy, impatient person behind them.....ME!

Needless to say- if you have a mini-van.....SELL IT ....sell it NOW!!!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Tue, 09 Nov 2004 06:49:31 GMT

What is wrong with me?
Why!?
Why!?
I don't understand why I feel this way.
There is no logical reason- no explainable answer.

-Why can't memories be today's reality?-

Instead of things slowly fading- they are steadily growing.

I don't understand.
I don't understand.

God, God- why don't I understand?
I'm so confused.
Why am I feeling this way?
What am I supposed to do?
You made me- so tell me.
You designed me- so tell me.
.............................

What is wrong with me?
Who behaves like this? Who?
Who has ever felt this way- and over WHAT! It's absurd- totally and outrageously absurd.

It should be dwindling- not BLAZING!
Wilting- not thriving...
I just don't understand.
Am I just behaving entirely weird- am I merely overreacting? But reacting to what?

oh God- my heart and soul are distraught and confused- what to do?
Oh- what to do?

I cannot sleep- my mind won't allow it.
I cannot eat- my body reads "full"

WHY?!?!?!?!?!

Is there some planned reason?
Am I just acting insane?

I don't understand.
I just don't understand.

What's wrong with me?????

CONSPIRACY OF THE SAT CORPORATION RE: NAMES

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 20:12:45 GMT

Took my SAT's this morning. Went pretty well.
And now, I've once again had the outstanding privilage of learning more about Asian culture. Have you noticed how, on the reading sections, they always slip in a passage or two about some girl who has ancestors in Asia and wants to learn more about her history- so she goes on a little trip to Korea or China- or something like that. I guess it's their way of not discriminating other "minorities". That's why they always say things like: "Juainnanita went to the store with Ikikiwoahwoah to buy soda......" It's ridiculous. You're just sitting there, feeling confident in yourself that you've been doing a good job and that you WILL get into college- and then you come across this word that ........you've never seen before. Instead of filling out little ovals on your answer sheet like everyone around you- you're sitting there trying to make sense of this un-American word. (but then again- what is "american" anyway?)You begin to sweat.......'Is this a trick question? Does it have something to do with how many apples they're trying to buy with the $10 they have?' No. All the sudden, the proctor calls TIME and you haven't gotten passed the second question. Therefore, all because the SAT corporation felt it necessary to be a non-discriminatory group, you proceed to rank WELL below average on the final scores..... Who says a black man can't be named James? Who says a Puerto Rican woman can't have been named Whitney? If they are soo keen on putting a well rounded variety of names in their tests, why not put Gioja? Are they trying to discriminate against those of Italian descent? What about Bob?

HELEN FIELDING

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 06:50:43 GMT

I am eternally in love with Helen Fielding.
She is the author of Bridget Jones' Diary, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, and Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination.....there's another one too which I haven't read yet- but can't wait to! She's so amazing!!! I am in love with her- and am never not reading now......God bless Helen Fielding and the man and woman who bore her into this world.

WHAT'S NEXT?

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 02:17:40 GMT

I'm waiting.
I'm keeping an open mind.
Some things going by much too quickly-
Others, wish I'd be so lucky.
Music adding to the scene.
It's melodies swaying my thoughts and dreams.
Why?
I don't understand.
It was just a teeny sliver.
A mere pin-prick of my developing life.
So many questions.
So few answers.
Is there a reason?
I just don't know.

UNCERTAIN

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 04:20:05 GMT

I don't really know how I feel.
Things are always changing.
I know that God is here with me- that's always true-
But I'm so uncertain of everything else.
I know that I'm supposed to be putting my faith and trust in God- and I'm trying- I'm REALLY REALLY trying.
I want to trust in you, God.
Things are just so turned upside down.
I've been sparked....ignited....cut off from oxygen.
Why?
I know things happen in their own time- I just wish I.....
Wow! The more I write the more I realize how much the answer is:
Just trust in God- HE's the one important.
...Okay....Okay- I get it now:)

FIFTY BUCKOLAS

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 02:57:13 GMT

I just made fifty bucks tonight!
That makes me very happy:)

PICTURES

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 03:12:23 GMT

ECONOMICS

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 03:26:44 GMT

Gave my economics presentation today.
Last night I had called my dad ('cause he's in Orlando right now)
and I 'interviewed' him about what he does for his job and things.
He told me to talk about the "million dollar" story.
It, essentially, is this:

How would you like to become a millionaire by
saving and investing $2.74 a day?

(I opened with this question for my presentation
and at first everyone one - besides my teacher
'cause he's not makin' much moola- looked around
like.......uh.......I don't get it. - Yeah of course
not you tards, that would require thinking!)

I went into the whole schpeel re: what you would need to
do- invest the money to gain interest and then after about 40-50
years- you have made 1 million dollars.

Anyways........ I felt so smart.....I talked about mutual funds, bonds, stocks, Treasury bills, capital gain/loss......you name it- And what was really funny....I was getting pretty into what I was talking about.....Mr. Benson was sitting down with the rest of the class while I was up front teaching....This girl came in and handed me a sheet of paper - (During class, teachers are sometimes brought notes from the office that are to be handed out to a certain student) So- I was so into what I was doing- that I hadn't noticed what had just happened....She thought IIII was the teacher.....hahaha- And so- even though people were laughing and even though I SAW the name : Brian something or other- it didn't connect.....hahaha- .........Just so you know- it finally did .....

And that is my inspiring ECONOMICS story......BRILLIANT- don't you think!?

GOD

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 17:44:48 GMT

God has placed you on my heart.

I have never cared so much about another person's well being as I have now for you- and I don't even know you at all.

Your mom is scared- but I know that if only she knew how much this is the right thing- how much this is what God wants- I know she wouldn't be afraid.

This is so crazy- The only explanation is it's from God. I know it is. We all weren't put together just randomly- God has a purpose and a plan.

"Love, Actually"

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 05:07:02 GMT

I've been thinking of the movie
"Love, Actually"
all night.

I can't seem to get the songs,
the people out of my head.

It's such a wonderful movie full of
joy that you just want to spread all over.

I especially am thinking about the part where
they play Nora Jones' song....."I'm just sittin' here
waitin' for you to come home and turn me on..."
I think it is while the girl with the mentally ill brother is with
the really sexy hot guy she's worked in the same office with for the
past couple years.....but whatever the specific part may be:
I love that entire movie- from start to finish
And I love Nora Jones............
................................................
................................................
I have to say, though-
God is allot cooler and more amazing than they are.....but that's just a given ;)

INSOMNIAC

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 08:43:50 GMT

I drank too much tea tonight......I can't sleep.
I have been sitting in this same spot for.........hours.
And doing what? Nothing, really. When I should have been doing my work- sitting here.
When I should be getting sleep- sitting here.
So far I've talked to a couple of people, played spider solitaire, looked at pictures of Michael Jackson and the evolution of his appearance, written in my livejournal, tried to scan pictures (the scanner isn't working.....POOP), .........How can I procrastinate so much that I even procrastinate on going to bed. I am a sad, sad child.
Back to the whole tea thing.......I drank tea 'cause I THOUGHT I would be doing my work.....but instead I drank it and haven't done anything but needless crap that does the world no better. And here I am - rambling on and on and I have absolutely no idea what I've just talked about for the past couple of minutes.

I have school tomorrow.
YIPPEE

I saw elk today in Estes Park. That was fun.

I really should just go to bed.....That would be the best thing.

If I do go to bed, though- I will have to get back up in......well- let's see- If it's 2:40 now......2:41 now- then it will be about 2:55 by the time I am in bed....3:00 by the time I fall asleep....And then I will have to get up at 6:00 to take a shower ('cause that's a good thing to do, take a shower....I like to keep clean as much as I can.).

Geez- I'm really wasting my time talking about nothing.

I should go

I'm going now.

OK

For real this time.

.......................
Goodnight.....I mean Good morning.

EWWWWWWWWW!

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 05:30:16 GMT

I HATE TRIG
I HATE TRIG
IT IS HOMOSEXUAL
----------------
i hate trig
i hate trig
it is homosexual
________________

I HATE TRIG
I HATE TRIG
IT IS HOMOSEXUAL

I HATE TRIG
I HATE TRIG
IT IS HOMOSEXUAL
----------------
i hate trig
i hate trig
it is homosexual
________________

I HATE TRIG
I HATE TRIG
IT IS HOMOSEXUAL

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I flushed Trig and it's dirty little lovers down the toilet.......
.................................
FOR GOOD!

"COLORADO HURRICANE"- SATIN JACKET

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 02:46:57 GMT

Even though I'm here with you- I'm sad.
'Cause even though I'm in your arms-
It's not forever.

We can sing
We can smile
We can laugh

But the more I look into your eyes-
The more I miss you.
The more I'm with you
the more I miss you.

So even though I'm here with you-
I'm really not.

We can sing
We can smile
We can laugh

But the more I look into your eyes-
The more I miss you.
The more I'm with you
the more I miss you.

I'm just gonna say goodbye the same time we say hi.

God- I miss you-
And you're right here with me.

I just wanted to say:
I love you

______________________________

Wrote that one while visiting in Florida while Bay and I were stuck in the house 'cause of the hurricane.
...............I love you Bay! :)

"COFFEE AND CIGARETTES"

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 04:15:30 GMT

"COFFEE AND CIGARETTES"

Hello, Goodbye

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 21:02:02 GMT

(Written during economics while watching "Economics Today, USA" video....YAY!)

Can't get you off my mind.
Want to stop.
Don't want to stop.
-
This feeling that I have.
Had never felt.
My heart could melt.
-
So strange- I can't ignore.
This light that's come from open doors.
-
And when I close my eyes
I think of how we saw the skies
I think of when we saw our eyes
Remember that we said Goodbye.
Uncertain of the reasons why.
We ever said: Hello, Goodbye.

_______________________________

"There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
-Proverbs

--------------------------------

***Amazing how your life can be changed by so little so quickly- so dramatically.***

________________________________

God is so amazing.

TIME

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 02:24:03 GMT

It goes by so quickly-
Though the seconds many
times seem to go by slowly.

What is time?
A second is really only something man has
"made" to measure out very specific periods of time.

Numbers are so subjective-
so strange.
Take the number 1 for example.
It's a low number-
it- generally- signifies a short period of time
1 minute, etc....

However- ONE is really only small because of what order we put it in-
as in 1,2,3, etc...
and how much the increments are measured by: let's say time.

So- really- a minute could have meant
20,000 seconds-
So divide that by 60 and then say that equals 1.

It's so strange yet so true.
These sound truths that we hold so firmly are like
a BULLET MADE OF GLASS.

Everything is so subjective.

However- there is ONE thing that never changes.
It will always be the same-
day to day
day in day out

I'm so comforted to know that
God is always in control.

TIME